I turn 30. Ouch. It actually hurts to write that.
I know, I’m shocked too. When did this happen?
Anyway, as I’ve been playing Tim McGraw’s “In My Next 30 Years” on a repeat-loop, I’ve been thinking about things that I’ve learned in my 30 years (Gosh, that’s a long time) on this planet. And so I’m giving to you (in no particular order) 30 things that I’ve learned in my first 30 years. Be warned, most of these have nothing to do with fitness and nutrition, and some of them are completely irrelevant. But I can do that, because it’s my birthday.
1. You make your own luck. My grandmother taught me this, and you know what? It’s true. Good things don’t generally just fall in your lap. Get out there, work hard, and good things will happen!
2. If you’ve killed every plant you’ve ever owned, don’t keep buying them. Seriously. They will keep dying. Even cacti. What is wrong with me?
3. Yes, you DO need that pair of shoes. Even if you already own 3 pairs of open toed black heels. Go ahead, buy them!
4. If a hotel room costs less than $100, it probably has bed bugs. Spend a little more money for peace of mind… and a clean room. *YES I encountered this. NO I did not stay there. What are you, crazy?
5. Squat. And Deadlift. A lot.
6. People grow up and grow apart. And this is a natural part of life. Don’t hold on to friendships or relationships just for the sake of hanging on. It’s not good for anyone.
7. Don’t watch scary movies when you’re home alone at night. This leads to very bad things, sleepless nights, and having to “sleep” with a knife under your bed. True story.
8. Always carry spare tissues in your purse/car. Tissues come in handy more than you think, and when you need one and don’t have one? You’re screwed. And you’d be amazed at the number of things tissues can be good for (and I’m not just saying that because of my ability to cry on command).
9. Never wear white without a Tide To Go stick on your person. This one may only apply to me, but I’m pretty sure the laws of the universe state that white clothing attracts food and spills more than any other colors.
10. Never eat spaghetti, garlic, pesto, or broccoli on a first date. One is a mess, one will kill a first kiss, and the other two will undoubtedly get stuck in your teeth.
11. If your entire family, all of your friends, and even random neighbors hate your boyfriend, he’s probably bad news. Listen to them. And run. Fast.
12. If you have to ask yourself “Is this inappropriate to wear to work?”, please don’t wear it. (For the record: booty shorts, mini skirts, and boobs everywhere are NOT office appropriate.)
13. No matter how dorky it makes you feel, always wear your helmet when snowboarding or skiing. Multiple concussions don’t look good on anybody. (And neither does your head wrapped around a tree)
14. It’s inevitable, you WILL turn into your mother/father in one way or another. Just embrace it and move on.
15. Go see any movie with Ryan Gosling in the theater. That beauty deserves the big screen.
16. Eat a lot of Kale and Spinach. It’s true. They’re both really, really good for you. That is all.
17. Stop biting your nails. There are actually more germs than on a toilet seat under there. (I’m still working on this one. Nobody said I was perfect!)
18. Don’t be afraid to swear. It’s fun. But please be hyper aware of the proper locations/times to do so. (Hint: NOT in front of your toddler aged niece)
19. ALWAYS be nice to waitstaff/service people. They are there to help you, and no matter who you are, your issues are no more important than theirs. And alway tip well.
20. Watch your mouth (especially when you have no backup). When you get separated from your friends in the middle of NYC in the middle of the night, mouthing off to an angry drunk girl probably isn’t the best idea. You might get punched in the face.
21. Eat cupcakes. Unless you have a medical reason not to. No, not as much as you eat kale and spinach, but every once in a while, eat a cupcake. And love every second of it. No guilty thoughts allowed!
22. If someone buys you a Pickleback Shot, politely decline. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
23. At least once in your life, sneak into the fanciest hotel you can find, and spend a day at their pool. Bonus points if it’s the Chateau Marmont in LA or the Lazy River at the MGM Grand Las Vegas. Who says you have to have fancy pants money to lounge by a fancy pants pool? All you need is a little bit of sneakiness, and the forethought to jump into the middle of the pool when the security guard comes around checking hotel room keys.
24. Everyone needs a great friend who has seen them at their best, their worst, their most embarrassing, and most pathetic… And has stuck by you for every single second of it. I have one, and she’s been with me through the best and the very worst. Love you Lori!
25. If you tag Heffalump, they will come. Seriously, ever since I used a picture of a Heffalump on my blog, it is without fail the #1 search term every day that leads people to my site. I’m not kidding. Who knew so many people were searching for heffalumps?
26. Volunteer. I know we all learn that this is important when we’re in middle school, but by the time we’re adults many of us forget. Volunteering can mean many things, so find something that you truly love or that makes you feel like you’re actually making a difference. Whether it be with families, adults, children, the homeless, animals, or any other group, you’ll be surprised how good it feels to give.
27. Tell someone when they have toilet paper stuck to their shoe. Or food in their teeth, or even a booger hanging from their nose. The moment of embarrassment they’ll feel when you tell them will pale in comparison to how they’d feel 3 hours later when they realized it themselves.
28. Moisturize your neck every day. You don’t want to end up with a waddle, do you? And on a related note, ladies, start using eye cream at 25. The farther ahead you get of your “crows feet” the better off you’ll be.
29. Just because it’s trendy doesn’t mean you have to wear it. Find your style. Own it. Rock it.
30. Squat. And Deadlift. A lot. Did I say that already?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pick myself up by my boot straps, slap a smile on my face, and pretend that I love turning 30. It is the new 25 after all, isn’t it?